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Ill

write about myself…..

I am

Leon

….I am a man….Im 24 this yr…….24…its not very young u know….24….dog yr again……..and Im doing my 1^st yr in engineering….still have 4 yrs to go….4 yrs…..a long time….Ill be kinda old when Im finished with this stage of my life….so why?

Why did I choose to fucking waste 4 yrs of my life studying again…..where most of my friends/peers are working, earning a goddamn living for themselves, buying cars…. Planning for marriage….feeling good that they are earning their own money, that they are their own man, I…still need my mother to sustain me….why? Why did I choose this pathetic, self-degrading path? To be frank, I never envisioned myself to be 24 and still be this pathetic and useless…..

So why did I do it? Well, because I remember my friend once told me…..”I should because I can” Because Im fortunate enough to be given this chance, this last opportunity to redeem my soul from this shit hole I have dug for myself… this chance that some people will give anything to have….… because Ive fucked up my diploma….. my IT diploma which is as useful as toilet paper in my opinion…straight Ds…..haha….

I remember he said “ What if 10 yrs down the road, when your working at some shit ass job which u hate, dragging yourself outta bed for a measly pay, and u regret not taking that chance when u still could…..and now your too old to do anything about it,rotting away……rotting away………. what if”

“But what if I fail? What if I waste 200k from my parent’s savings and come back with nothing??” I said

“If u try, u wont fail, you are

Leon

, I believe u can do it……and if u do fail…..at least you can tell yourself…..well I tried..I tried my FUCKING BEST…..and I failed……its god’s will, at least I tried”

And this I found to be so true. You see…..the way I view life is like this……like my other friend, Mark, used to say “If only-“ is a very dangerous word…..One should never live their lives with regrets…with “If only I had done this, if only I had chose that”…because to regret doing something…..it hurts more than failing…..thats what Ive learnt from life…..You see….I used to be afraid of disappointments……so afraid of it that I never ever tried to do anything, never dare make targets for myself in the fear of failure…..and I used to live with many regrets….the whole 3 yrs of my poly….I regretted leaving JC…..and tat killed my poly life……killed my results…..I slipped into a state of depression that only those who knew me then would know how bad it was…..

So I told myself….shit……regrets hurt more than failures……enough with regret, enough of this self pity, no one can help me but myself., stand up, stop being a fucking pussy……

You see……when u regret…..its like u stop…..stopped your car on the freeway……the freeway of life…….and this freeway is only one way you see….and u look back thru rear view mirror…at the things u shouldn’t have done…and the things you should have….and the orportunities ……and the could have beens…….but u will never get back to it anymore…all it is now is a black and white image on the mirror….u can never go back…so whats the point of regrets….move on……learn from it……..for as they say “ Even a wrong step is a step forward” and the more u fall….the more u learn how to get up….and walk again and soon…falling isn’t that painful anymore…. But regrets….they are bad…they pull u back….they stop the car….they hold u down…pin you to the floor….

And above all regrets….the ones that hurt the most are those of moral issues….. you see… all men have their own sets of morals and principles….but as I look around me today, I do not like what I see.…many people seem to let go of their morals…..of their principles…as they grow older…why?

Because maybe society seems to deem it normal…..and depict those who hold on to those set of principles to be ….well……stupid…. but what u dun know is that… when u lose your morals, when u lose your principles…..somehow apart of your soul dies…seriously…take my word for it…Ive seen people give up theirs…..and they are never as happy as those who do not…why?

Well ……maybe everyone needs a set of morals….a set of guide lines..and without it….a person would feel lost…. And maybe tats why the pool of Christians seem to be rising…because there are more and more people lost…. And they think the book will provide them with answers…..well.thats good..im happy for them…Hallelujah!

You see to me…..the most important is that my conscience is clear….I will never…..well cant say never…….but I will always think twice about breaking my principles…..

It seems now I have this thinking…..that IF I wanna do something…..I would do it to the best of my ability…..or I wouldnt even fucking bother……and that’s me….I hate to fail…..but if I do….I must be able to tell myself I tried my best….and …tats the way I do things now……some people may say im ‘kan chiong’, some ppl say im ‘psycho’, no im fucking not……. I knew it was gonna fail…….I knew…..but I keep trying to make it work……because I cannot forgive myself if I didn’t try hard enough…..I knew….maybe I knew it before anyone else knew it……I knew it I fucking knew it…..anyway….. my conscience is clear……and that’s all that matters….. to have your conscience clear…..and to be able to sleep at night

And with that…I bid you all good night

Ps: If you think Im toking about you, Im not toking about u, so stop thinking im toking about you, your not that important, get a life! *(^-^)*

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 5th, 2006 at 5:47 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.